come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
