I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
