I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
