he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
