we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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