how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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