Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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