ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
