i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
