im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
