Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
