I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
