I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
