1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
