I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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