PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
