How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
