Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
