you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
