I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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