i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
