Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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