Life is so much better after having sex.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
