And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
