my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
