Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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