The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
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Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
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i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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