the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
