I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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