I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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