I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You are the jesus of drinking
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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