My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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