he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
