I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
