i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
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I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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