thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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