she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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