My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
