And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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