Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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