I just threw up on my dentist
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
