either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
