you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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