That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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