Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
