I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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