I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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