this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
