Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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