I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
