I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
