yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
