So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
