Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
