3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
