I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
