remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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