Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
