I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
