Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
