youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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